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Especially
for All Parents
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July/August 2008
Article
by Kathy
“ Better
Bonding with Your Child
Series”
ABC's
of Love vs. Fear in Parenting:
Primer on Early
Brain Development and
Patterning
Love vs.
Fear
Take
a few moments here to shut your eyes, get quiet and
relax.
Take several deep breaths and feel your
body respond to a few moments of stillness. Now, bring
up the image of “Love” in parenting and other
relationships and see what you get. Describe the
qualities and especially the feelings and body
sensations that go along with “Love.” Be with that as
you breathe for a few more moments.
These are some of the responses I get from
workshop participants and parents I work with of what
meanings, feelings, and body sensations go hand and
hand with Love.
• Trusting/ Open
• Ease
• Relaxed
•
Happy
• Unconditional—O.K.. to make mistakes— I
will still be loved
• Relationship feels strong,
like I can count on it
• Really knowing that
person
• Feeling "seen", like someone really gets
me
• The desire to be loved and how good it feels
to receive love.
• Safe
• Held
• Higher
self-confidence/ buffered
• Higher
self-esteem
• Feeling free—to be oneself, to
love, to venture out and make mistakes sometime and
I will still be loved.
• O.K. to have needs
•
Unity
• Harmony
• Alive,
energized
Now, close your eyes again and take a few
deep breaths, and again feel your body respond to a
few moments of stillness.
This time bring up the image of “Fear” in
parenting and other relationships and notice what you
get. Describe the qualities and especially the
feelings and body sensations that go along with
“Fear.” Be with that as you breathe for a few more
moments.
These are some of the responses I get from
workshop participants and parents of what meanings,
feelings, and body sensations go hand in hand with
Fear in relationship:
•
Cautious
• Uptight,
tight
• Unsafe
•
Separate
• Guarded
• Anxious,
worried, nervous
• “Edgy”
•
“Walking on eggshells”
• Irritable,
Angry
• Tired
• Not feeling “seen”
or understood
• Alone
•
Distrust
• Relationship feels tenuous…I'm
not sure I can count on it
• Wanting to
avoid or even to hide
• Not O.K. or safe to
have needs
• Unsure/ lack of
confidence
• Lowered
self-esteem
As we go to the next section, keep these
associations in mind, along with the question, “Am
I parenting and responding to my child in such a way
as to produce a state for them and myself of Love or
Fear?”
| How Regulation (or Dysregulation)
Patterns Get Set: The Basics of
Emotional/Physiological Arousal and Response /
Relaxations
Cycles |
The
template for our ability to regulate gets set early
on in development.
Let's start with two illustrations:
1-See illustration #1 of an optimal
Emotional Arousal and Relaxation Cycle and the
subsequent regulation patterning for Babies.
2-Then see illustration #2 of an impaired
Emotional Arousal and Relaxation cycle and the
subsequent dysregulation patterning.
Basically,
when a child, between infancy and up to a 3 years of
age, has a need (to have diaper changed, to be fed, to
be held, for sleep, etc), they begin to feel
emotionally “aroused”…meaning they begin to get
somewhat agitated and express discomfort.
Physiological arousal happens at the same time as
their nervous system also begins to experience a
somewhat agitated state. This is where you see, on illustration #1 and illustration#2, the
climb up from a place of calm and rest within the
baby, emotionally and
physiologically.
It is the optimal situation for the little
one's developing nervous system, to be responded to
early, before becoming even more upset when increased
“arousal” occurs. Notice the state we are talking
about: when needs are met early, this is conducive to
Love or being able to “rest” and trust in
relationship—Go back and review the list of associated
feelings and body sensations that are related to Love
now. Notice how those associations are “telling” of
the state of one's nervous system.
In a different situation, the primary
caregiver may not be able to respond early
consistently. Perhaps this is the case because the
mother is experiencing severe post-partum depression
and is slow or unable to respond. It could also be
that the primary caretaker is operating from old
parenting beliefs of “don't pick her up everytime she
cries; you're going to spoil her”. Another reason for
a slow or non-existent response, can be that the
parents are in turmoil, have an abusive relationship,
or are using drugs or alcohol.
In such situations the little one's nervous
system continues to escalate to increasing levels of
agitation and “arousal” as no one attends to his need.
At a certain point, as this continues, where baby is
not being responded to and agitation/ upset escalates,
the baby crosses a certain threshold (see illustration #2) in
their nervous system, and goes into a stress or trauma
response physiologically and psychologically. This
means that the baby's more primitive brain, which
regulates stress hormornes, is now in charge, and the
baby goes into a fight, flight, or freeze response.
When this happens the stress hormones in the baby's
body are at an elevated level and the baby is now in
distress. The baby may go into a state of rage, or
worse, may shut down and “check out” (dissociate).
There is a true helplessness in this stage of
development when this happens, because of course, the
baby has no ability to remove herself from this
situation or to meet their own needs.
When a baby is not responded to
consistently, at early stages of expressed discomfort
and need, the emotional and physiological arousal and
relaxation cycle is broken. Instead of a gentle
arousal/ relaxation pattern occurring, baby's brain
and nervous system patterning is that “when I have a
need I am in danger”…as their system goes into
distress. This is not a cognitive or mental process;
it is emotional and physiological. It is the creation
of the “template” of how this little one's brain and
nervous system is structuring itself in a critical
developmental period. In this last, unfortunate
situation, the template for dysregulation of stress
hormones in the body is being created.
Thus, trust does not develop as we would
hope because regulation is the basis is trust. And
regulation and trust are essential for healthy
attachment. As Bruce Perry, M.D., Ph.D., a respected
child trauma and development expert, says, “A
dysregulated brain cannot attach.” Attachment and
bonding problems are now in the picture. Go back
again, to the list of associated feelings and body
sensations that are related to Fear in relationship.
Again, notice that those descriptors are also
“telling” about the state of one's nervous system (in
relationship).
You may be thinking, “O.K., I get that, but
I was responsive with my child when he was little and
he still has trouble with his emotions (‘regulating
emotion or anxiety).”
| Let's look further at some
other circumstances which can create trauma
and problems with dysregulation
. |
First, what is dysregulation again? It can
be an occasional “state” but over time, often
experienced states in the early brain become “traits.”
The brain is patterned in releasing higher levels of
stress hormones in the body consistently which are
often inappropriate to the current situation because
the child or person is not in danger. Thus, their
physiological and emotional state may be in stress
even when they wake up in the morning, because that is
how their regulation template was set up early on. The
following list gives more examples of what places a
fetus up through 3 years of age (I believe much older)
at risk for attachment issues due to the risks for
dysregulation:
•
Mom has trauma history and has had no intervention
with trauma specific therapy (she has high levels of
stress hormones in her system, of which an
estimated 40% cross the placenta during pregnancy)
•
Child or family who has experienced medical trauma,
natural or other disasters (e.g. hurricane, 9-11,
earthquake, fire), auto accident during in utero
development and up to first 3 years of the child's
life
•
Adopted child (loss, grief, and some degree of
separation trauma is inherent for baby)
•
Child who has impairment or medical issues involving
hearing, vision or touch (can create difficulties in
attachment due to more limited or problematic
experiences with hearing, seeing, feeling in
relationship which is so important for building a
“sense of self” and a sense of relationship to others)
•
Any parent who has difficulty with regulating anxiety
or emotion
•
Parents with a child with very challenging behaviors
•
Parents who have histories of trauma or early
childhood neglect
•
Child who is experiencing any kind of trauma
(physical, emotional, sexual, etc) or neglect
IN SUMMARY
Remember for Better
Bonding with Your Child:
• How patterns of
regulation or dysregulation get set early on
• How those patterns
are very basically Love-based or Fear-based
• Learning how to
respond to your child's cues and needs is essential
for their success and happiness as well as your own
• Love-based
parenting is that which is committed to developing and
maintaining the best possible Relationship with your
child!
• Parenting from Love
& Attunement (we will spend more time on
Attunement in upcoming articles) Develops patterns of
Regulation, Trust & Strong Bonding
•
Fear-based parenting (reactive, spanking, threatening,
etc.) is based on Controlling a child and their
behavior. Fear-based Parenting develops Survival, Fear
and Dysregulated brain
patterns)
Most
Important
As you set up
conditions that improve regulation ability and thus
deeper bonding with your child, You experience more
More joy, trust, and closeness with your child. And
your child experiences better self-esteem & more
ease in positive behavior and
choices!
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“Children learn about the nature
of the world from their family. They learn about power
and about justice, about peace and about compassion within the
family. Whether we oppress or liberate our children in
our relationships with them will determine whether they grow
up to oppress and be oppressed or to liberate and be
liberated.” - Desmond Tutu, BELIEVE: The Words &
Inspirations of Desmond Tutu
Affirmations for
Parents
by
Kathy
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“I am the ocean that
carries my child to the shore of adulthood with trust
and strength.
My child experiences me as
calm and steadfast.
I fortify my inner and outer
resources
and support daily to keep the ocean of
me
calm and steadfast.”
“I experience Calm and
Steadfastness
in my Body
right now.”
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“People deal too much with the
negative; with what is wrong.
Why not try and see positive
things… to just touch those things
and make them
bloom.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
Thich Nhat anh
Visualizations for
Parents
by
Kathy
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My Child is
Blossoming
I close my eyes and bring
deep breath into my body. As I bring breath, I bring
space and support into my body. I notice that as I
bring space and support into my body, my body begins
to let go of holding pain, tension, or ache. I feel
the nourishment of receiving breath and taking time to
create space and support within myself so that I may
create the life I desire.
I
see my child's face now. I see my child's face when
they came into my life and feel how I felt when I
first held this precious one. As I feel that feeling,
in my body, of delight, of deep love, of miracle (or
whatever it is I felt), I take a deep breath into that
place in my body and feel it even more
fully.
I
see my child's essence, their specialness, their
uniqueness. I take a few moments and notice what would
be missing from my life if they were no longer here. I
breathe in and feel my child's essence.
I
see my child's innocence…how they are doing the best
they can every day. Even if they are behaving in ways
that bring me pain, I know those behaviors come from a
place of pain, stress, and fear. I breathe in and see
my child's innocence.
I
see a strength my child has. I see how they have grown
through time, in different ways. I notice how they are
blossoming, even when they stumble. I breathe in and
see my child's strength.
For today
I focus
on and notice aloud to my child,
this
quality or strength.
I smile as I take breath
in
and I notice their
strength
helping them to
bloom.
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Be sure to
watch for next month's Newsletter, in which this “Better
Bonding with Your Child Series” continues. We will be
talking about The Rewarding Outcomes of Healthy Self and
Emotional Regulation for your Child.
We will
also talk about “What Attunement is and what it is
not, and Why Attunement is So Important for Regulation
& Bonding. You will learn one of the
most powerful tools you can use for attunement:
“Empathic Listening.”
You will be empowered by
learning how much influence attunement, regulation and
bonding has on your child's behavior, learning, ability
to handle emotions, relationships and social success,
self-esteem, and much
more!
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This is copyrighted material. You may
only reprint and copy with the explicit, written and
signed permission of Kathy
Kinskey.
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